The One With The Raccoons
by complimentarycouture
Summary: The Pawnee raccoons go wild, Dean and Sam and Cas think something evil is controlling them, and Leslie is impressed by the hunky animal control man who shows up at the Parks Department.


**This is crack. Like, unabashedly. It's utterly ridiculous and it came out of a really (really, really) odd conversation with a friend of mine and probably should never have seen the light of day, but here it is, have fun. **

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It started with the raccoons going wild. I mean, they had always been wild, but City Councilwoman Leslie Knope had taken care of a lot of raccoon wildness in her first month of city councilwoman-ness because she is Leslie Freaking Knope and she does what she wants and is for the good of the best town in the world, Pawnee, Indiana. Anyways, the raccoons had retreated for a while, but in the last week they had sprung up again in full force. Unfortunately full force meant eating people, disappearing into thin air, and with red eyes. It was all over the newspapers.

One day three men showed up at Leslie's office and told April that they were here from Animal Control.

"What a hunk," said Leslie when Dean introduced himself.

"What." said Ben.

"What." said Cas.

"You are the most beautiful nurse in the world," said Sam, and looked like he wanted to start making out with Ann.

So they all went on their way to investimagate the people-eating raccoons.

"Ann, my beautiful prickly cactus, you have to convince me to not fall in love with this hunky animal control man," Leslie said when they were at the park. Ann shrugged.

"I like the gangly one."

"Ann, he has girl hair!"

Dean and Sam started doing something I-dunno-what but what kind of animal control men use radio scanners to catch raccoons, and Cas glared at Leslie while Ben glared at Dean. It was fun times all around. Then Sam started reading this leather-bound book that was like a thousand years old, and Dean bounded across the park to Leslie's side.

"Don't worry, ma'am, we'll take care of these suckers soon. Out of pure curiosity, were there ever any Indians living on this land, and how did they get along with the white men? Also would you like to see my car, I'm very proud of it." Leslie coughed and spluttered and said "yes oh no no NO" very brightly but then Ben said "yes to the first only" very seriously, so they had to take everyone up to the murals. Ben grabbed Leslie's hand and didn't let go. Cas grabbed Dean's ass and didn't let go either, which made walking very uncomfortable.

Dean shook off Castiel off his ass (which was super interesting to watch) once they got to the murals. While Leslie told them the tragic stories of the Pawnee Indians, he took very careful notes in his mind, because Sam takes notes on paper, that's what he's there for. They made a hasty retreat when some actual animal control guys showed up, though. They planted themselves at the Pawnee motel to compile research and shit, at least that's what Sam ended up doing, because when they got there Cas grabbed Dean by the front of his shirt and started kissing him, and Sam yelled "get a room!" and Dean yelled back, "that's what the Impala's for!" and Sam almost threw up, so anyways, that's where Dean and Cas were while Sam read his dad's journal. All night long.

"Fuggin' raccoons," he said.

The next morning Leslie was doing her rounds because what does she even do as a city councilwoman anyway, and she noticed a car parked in the middle of a park. She strode over to take care of the careless park-wreckers when Dean popped up behind her (and she shrieked). "Is that your car?" Leslie asked. Dean interpreted this as a is-that-your-car-how-cool-are-you and not what Leslie meant, which was is-that-your-car-because-i-want-to-smash-it. He grinned and said yes.

"Look, Dean, just because you are a hunky fake animal control officer does not mean you can park your old car anywhere you please."

"What," said Castiel. He was hovering.

"How do you know we're fake?"

"I am City Councilwoman Leslie Freaking Knope and I know everything."

"Oh. Right. Well, we determined - " (Sam coughed) "- Sam determined that there's probably angry Indian spirits controlling your raccoons and that's why they're eating people and shit."

"Were they eating shit?" Cas asked. Dean blinked.

Sam then took charge and took everyone in the Parks Dept off to the local Indian burialground and started digging up bones, which took freakin' forever since Cas wouldn't let Dean away from him and Dean wouldn't leave Leslie and Ben was having a nervous breakdown and then Ann started making out with Sam, so anyways, it took all day to get the bones up and Leslie was afraid some Indian curses were about to go down like at the Harvest Festival, but Dean assured her (with a hand that tried to go to her shoulder but was yanked back by Cas) that they were fixing the curses, not creating them.

At least, they really were trying, but then this hell-bent spirit showed up and started attacking, and they had to take it out with the salt and make a run for it. Leslie wanted to invite them all over for dinner, but Ben is a jealous bastard and sent them to The Bulge - which was awkward for Sam, great for Dean, and anxiety-inducing for Cas. Dean and Leslie made lots of eye contact before he left, because you know sexual tension is a bitch and all that.

While Cas and the local flamboyant hotties battled it out for Dean at The Bulge, Ben made Leslie this super romantic dinner of waffles, like so romantic that he almost felt like puking except Leslie was right there and starting to get a crush on this hunky fake animal control officer/demon hunter dude and Ben will do anything to keep Leslie because he is Ben Wyatt, Human Disaster. He really needs a new title. Anyways dinner was all goopy and stuff and then Leslie started kissing Ben and she tasted like whipped cream and um yeah sooooo…

When they all got back together in the morning Dean look incredibly pleased with himself and Cas looked very unpleased with Dean, and Ann was practically hanging off of Sam which could only mean good things, so, you know. Hugs all around. Dean had a plan ("when did you have time for planning last night?") and it involved luring the freaky raccoons out into the open and smashing them all with salt and angel badassness i-don't-even-know-but-Cas-must-be-useful-somehow and then once the freaky raccoons were dead the hell-bent Indian spirit would show up because Dean knows all, and they'd smash that with some more salt and holy water and "why don't we just burn the bones we collected yesterday?" "Oh yeah, well, if you want to be boring."

But they ended up just burning the stuff anyway which was anticlimactic as always, but it got the job done without a bunch of raccoon carcasses that Leslie would probably have made Jerry clean up anyway.

Anyway, the three guys got set to leave town, but only after Sam kissed Ann again, and Dean tried to kiss Leslie, because I mean sexual tension and all. But Ben is actually a ninja and got between them, and when Cas got hold of Dean later on he quite literally smacked some sense into him because he is a goddamn angel of the Lord and _nobody walks out on him you sonuvabitch._


End file.
